I, eric, um...
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Michael norman randall
You have been found guilty
Of the murder of arthur reginald webster
Charles patrick trumpington
Marcel agnes bernstein, lewis anona rudd
John malcolm kerr
Nigel sinclair robinson, norman arthur potter
Felicity jayne stone
Jean-paul reynard, rachel shirley donaldson
Stephen jay greenblatt
Karl-heinz muller
Belinda anne ventham
Juan-carlos fernandez
Thor olaf stensgaard
Lord kimberley of pretoria
Lady kimberley of pretoria
The right honourable nigel warmsley kimberley
Robert henry noonan and felix james bennett
On or about the morning of the 19th of december, 1972.
Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
"very sorry"?!
Yes, sir. it was a very, very bad thing to have done
And I'm really very ashamed of myself.
I can only say it won't happen again.
To have murdered so many people in such a short space of time
Is really awful
And I really am very, very, very sorry that I did it
And also that I've taken up so much
Of the court's valuable time
Listening to the sordid details
Of these senseless killings of mine.
I'd particularly like to say
A very personal and sincere sorry to you, m'lord
For my appalling behavior throughout this trial.
I'd also like to say sorry, too, for the police
For putting them to so much trouble--
For the literally hours of work they've had to put in
Collecting evidence
And identifying corpses and so forth.
You know, I think sometimes we ought to realize
The difficult and often dangerous work
Involved in tracking down violent criminals like myself
And I'd just like them to know
That their fine work is at least appreciated by me.
Oh, no, no.
We were only doing our job.
No, no, really.
That's very good of you to say that
But I know what you've been through.
Oh, no, no. we've had worse.
It was plain sailing, apart from the arrest.
I know and I'm grateful.
I'd like to apologize, too, to the prosecuting counsel
For dragging him in here morning after morning
In such lovely weather.
Well, I would have had to come in anyway.
Ah, good. but what a presentation of a case.
Oh. thank you.
Oh, no. it's a privilege to watch you in action.
I never had a chance.
Oh, yes, you did.
Oh, not after that summing up. great.
Oh. thank you.
And now I must come to the jury.
What can I say?
I've dragged you in here day after day
Keeping you away from your homes
Your jobs, your loved ones
Just to hear the private details
Of my petty atrocities.
No, no.
It was very interesting.
But you could have had a much nicer case.
Oh, no, no, no. murder's much more fun.
Yes. and so many of them.
Excellent.
We've had a terrific time.
I'm sorry. I'm very moved.
So, m'lord it only remains
For you to pass the most savage sentence on me
That the law can provide.
Well, uh, not necessarily.
Uh, no, m'lord. the full penalty of the law is hardly sufficient.
I insist I must be made an example of.
Well, yes and no.
I mean, society at large...
Oh, no, m'lord!
Not with mass murder.
Oh, but in this case, don't you think...?
Yes, yes.
Oh, come on, m'lord!
You've got to give me life.
No! no. no.
Well, ten years at least. come on.
Ten years?
Shame, shame.
Well, five then. be fair.
No, no, no, no.
I'm giving you three months.
Oh, my god, that's so embarrassing.
I won't hear of it.
Give me six. please.
Well... all right.
Six months.
Thank you, m'lord.
But suspended.
Oh!
Three cheers for the defendant!
Hip-hip...
Hooray!
Hip-hip...
Hooray!
Hip-hip...
Hooray!
For he's a jolly good felon
For he's a jolly good felon...
Which nobody can deny...
It's no good, spider.
You can't escape that easily.
We're coming in after you.
This way, davis.
Hmm. we'd best separate.
I'm going down there.
You check the right ventricle.
Any sign of him, davis?
Why, no. nothing here.
All right.
We'll check the spleen.
Wait!
Oh, my god! he's down the back of us!
Quick! we've got to catch him
Before he reaches the neck.
Oh, no. too late, davis!
He's got out!
Oh! he's eating!
Run for it!
Ah!
Oh, my god!
We're here in the stomach!
Oh...
This little-known icelandic saga
Written by an unknown hand in the late 13th century
Has remained undiscovered until today.
Now it comes to your screens for the first time
Fresh from the leaves of iceland's history.
The terrible njorl's saga...
It's not that terrible.
No, I meant terribly violent.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Erik njorl, son of frothgar
Leaves his home to seek hangar the elder
At the house of thorvald nlodvisson
The son of gudleif
Half-brother of thorgier, the priest of ljosa water
Who took to wife thurunn, the mother of thorkel braggart
The slayer of gudmund the powerful
Who knew howal, son of geernon, son of erik from vadalesc
Son arval gristlebeard, son of harken
Who killed bjortguaard in sochnadale in norway
Over gudreed, daughter of thorkel long
The son of kettle-trout
The half-son of harviyoun half-troll
Father of ingbare the brave
Who wed isenbert of gottenberg
The daughter of hangbard the fierce...
We apologize for an error in the saga.
Evidently thorgier, the priest of ljosa water
Who took to wife thurunn, the mother of thorkel braggart
The slayer of gudmund the powerful
Who knew howal, son of geernon, son of erik from vadalesc...
Well, I'm afraid we're having a little trouble
Getting this very exciting icelandic saga started.
If any of you at home have any ideas
About how to get this exciting saga started again
Here's the address to write to:
Help the exciting icelandic saga
18-b macnorten buildings, oban.
Hello, um, well
I was the third voice you heard just now.
Uh, I'm sorry about that terrible mess.
It wasn't all that terrible.
No, no, I meant terrible in the sense of unfortunate.
Oh.
Anyway, um, our plea
For assistance has been answered
By the north malden icelandic saga society
Who've given us some very useful information about the saga
And so we carry on now with "njorl's saga"
With our thanks going once again
To the north malden icelandic saga society.
Erik njorl, son of frothgar
Rode off into the desolate plain.
Day and night he rode
Looking neither to right nor left
Stopping neither for food nor rest.
12 days and nights he rode, through rain and storm
Through wind and snow
Beyond the enchanted waterfall
Through the elfin glades
Until he reached his goal.
He had found the rich and pleasant land
Beyond the mountains...
The land where golden streams
Sang their way through fresh, green meadows
Where there were halls and palaces
An excellent swimming pool
And one of the most attractive
Bonus incentive schemes
For industrial development in the city.
Only 15 miles from excellent
Thames-side docking facilities
And within easy reach of the proposed m25.
Here it was that eric njorl, son of frothgar
Met the mayor
Mr. arthur huddinut, a local solicitor.
Welcome to north malden.
Yes, everyone is welcome to north malden
But none more so than the businessmen and investors
Who shape our society of the future.
Here at north malden...
And we apologize to viewers of njorl's saga
Who may be confused
By so many references to north malden.
And after a frank exchange of views, we have agreed
To carry on showing this version supplied to us
By the north malden icelandic saga society
On the undertaking that future scenes
Will adhere more closely
To the spirit of 12th century iceland.
With moist eyes, eric leaves this happy land
To return to the harsh uneconomic realities
Of life in the land of ljosa waters.
On his way, eric rested a while
In the land of bjornsstrand-- the land of dark forces
Where gildor was king.
These were the dukes of the land of bjornsstrand.
Proud warriors who bore on their chests
The letters of their dread name.
Uh, hello?
Is that the north malden icelandic society?
Yes, that's right.
It's about this saga.
Oh, yes, the icelandic saga.
Yes. good, isn't it?
Well, uh, well, I don't know
but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick
to the spirit of the original text.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I mean, a lot of these things that are happening--
I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true.
Well, it's a new interpretation, really.
Well, we didn't want a new int...
I mean, we wanted the proper thing.
I mean, just look what's happening now.
Banners were a very important part
of icelandic lore, mr. mills.
Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry.
I just can't accept that. it's gone too far.
I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement.
Oh!
Well, you're just trying to cash in
on the bbc's exciting icelandic saga.
That's business, mr. mills.
Well, that's as may be
but it's not the way the bbc works.
Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way
but, uh, you know, if you ever want
to come to malden...
8:00 is a peak viewing hour
So naturally, we tend to stick to our comedy output.
Unless, of course, there's sport
Because, of course, we know this is popular
And popularity is what television is about.
Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired
Of people accusing us of being ratings conscious.
"ratings conscious"?
Transmitting bland garbage, m'lord.
Mmm. thank you.
Now I'm really cheesed off!
I mean, it's not your highbrow, bleeding plays
That pull in the viewers, you know.
Thank you.
I mean, joe public
Doesn't want to sit down and watch three hours
Of documentaries every evening.
Thank you. he wants to sit down
And he wants to be entertained!
He doesn't want a load of...
No, really! I'm absolutely fed up with it!
I really am! case dismissed.
"case dismissed," m'lord?
All right-- five years.
Thank you, m'lord.
Call the next case, please.
Call erik njorl
Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...
Call erik njorl
Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...
Call erik njorl
Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...
...the slayer of gudmund's son...
You are erik njorl, son of frothgar...
Get on with it.
Would you raise your right hand?
He obviously can't raise his right hand
You silly usher person.
Can you raise your right leg, mr. njorl?
Can you raise any part of your body, mr. njorl?
I see. well, we'll skip that.
Well, just take the book
In your right hand, mr. njorl
Without raising any part of your body.
Oh.
What is it now
You persistently silly usher?
He can't hold the bible, m'lord.
Oh, screw the bible!
Let's get on with this bleeding trial!
I've got a gay lib meeting at 6:00.
Superintendent lufthansa, will you please read the charge?
Is a charge strictly necessary, m'lord?
The press is here.
Oh! oh, sorry.
Um...
Right! here we go.
You are hereby charged:
One, that you did, on or about 1126
Conspire to publicize a london borough
In the course of a bbc saga;
Two, that you were
Willfully and persistently a foreigner;
Three, that you conspired to do things
Not normally considered illegal;
Four, that you were caught in possession
Of an offensive weapon
Viz, the big, brown table down at the police station.
The big, brown table down at the police station?
It's the best we could find, m'lord.
And five: all together now!
Assaulting a police officer!
Thank you!
Call police constable pan-am.
Into the witness box
Constable!
There'll be plenty of time for that later on.
Now...
You are police constable pan-am?
No! I deny that to the last breath in my body!
Oh! sorry. yes.
Police constable, do you recognize the defendant?
No! never seen him before in my life!
Oh! yes! yes!
He's the one!
He done it!
I'd recognize him anywhere.
Sorry, super.
Constable, will you please tell the court
In your own words what happened.
Oh, yes!
I was proceeding in a northerly direction
Up alitalia street...
When I saw the deceased...
Standing at an upstairs window
Baring her bosom at the general public.
She then took off her...
Wait a tick!
Wrong story.
Oh, yes!
There were three nuns in a railway compartment
And the ticket in...
No? anyway, I clearly saw the deceased...
The defendant!
Defendant! sorry.
Sorry, super.
I clearly saw the defendant
Doing whatever he's accused of
Uh, red-handed.
When kicked, uh, cautioned, he said...
"it's a fair... cop, I done it all.
Right. no... doubt about... that."
Then, bound as he was to the chair
He assaulted myself
And three other constables
While bouncing around the cell.
The end.
Thank you, thank you.
And for my next piece of evidence...
I-i think you'd better leave it there, constable.
Excellent evidence, constable.
Thank you very much.
Now, mr. njorl, will you tell the court, please
Where were you on the night of 1126?
Move any part of your body
If you were north of a line from the humber to the mersey.
Is he in there, do you think?
Hello, hello, defendant?
Are you there?
Coo-ee!
Defendant?
I think we better go and have a look, maurice.
Don't call me maurice in court!
Are you in there?
Mr. njorl?
This way, davis.
He's not getting away this time.
We'll go down there and through the left lung.
It was around the left lung that...
Once again, I've proved too clever for...
And now, the stock market report
By exchange telegraph.
Trading was crisp at the start of the day
With some brisk business on the floor.
Rubber hardened, and string remained confident.
Little bits of tin consolidated
Although biscuits sank after an early gain
And stools remained anonymous.
Armpits rallied well after a poor start.
Nipples rose dramatically during the morning
But had declined by mid-afternoon
While teeth clenched, and buttocks remained firm.
Small, dark, furry things increased severely on the floor
Whilst rude jellies wobbled up and down
And bounced against rising thighs
Which had spread to all parts of the country by mid-afternoon.
After lunch, naughty things dipped sharply
Forcing giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo.
Ting tang tong rankled dithely, little tipples pooped
And poppy things went pong!
Gibble gabble gobble
Went the rickety rackety roo, as the...
Eh, that'll teach you to be normal.
Hmm?
Hmm.
Hello, mrs. premise.
Hello, mrs. conclusion.
Busy day?
Busy? I just spent four hours
Burying the cat.
Four hours to bury a cat?
Yes. he wouldn't keep still.
Wriggling about, howling its head off.
Oh, it wasn't dead then?
Well, no, no.
But it's not at all a well cat.
So as we were going away for a fortnight's holiday
I thought I better bury it just to be on the safe side.
Quite right.
You don't want to come back from sorrento to a dead cat.
It would be so anticlimactic.
Yes, kill it now.
That's what I say.
Yes.
We're going to have
To have our budgie put down.
Really? is he very old?
No. we just don't like it.
We're going to take it
To the vet tomorrow.
Tell me, how do they put budgies down then?
Well, it's funny you should ask that
But I've just been reading a great big book
About how to put your budgie down
And apparently, you can either hit them with a book
Or you can shoot them just there
Just above the beak.
Just there? yes.
Well, well, well.
Of course, mrs. essence flushed hers
Down the loo.
Oh, no, you shouldn't do that.
No, that's dangerous.
Yes, they breed in the sewers
And eventually you get evil-smelling flocks
Of huge, soiled budgies
Flying out of people's lavatories
Infringing their personal freedom.
Good morning, mrs. cut-out.
Morning, mrs. cut-out.
It's a funny thing, freedom.
I mean
How can any of us be really free
When we still have personal possessions?
You can't. you can't.
I mean, how can I go off and join frelimo
When I've got nine more installments
To pay on the fridge?
No, you can't. you can't.
Well, this, of course, is the whole crux
Of jean-paul sartre's roads to freedom.
No, it bloody isn't.
The nub of that is his characters stand
For all of us in their desire to avoid action.
Mind you, the man at the off-license
Says it's an everyday story
Of french country folk.
What do they know? nothing.
60 new pence for a bottle of maltese claret.
I personally think that-- oh, beg your pardon--
I personally think that jean-paul's masterwork
Is an allegory of man's search for commitment.
No, it isn't. yes, it is.
'tisn't! 'tis!
No, it isn't!
All right. we can soon settle this.
We'll ask him.
Do you know him? yes.
We met on holiday last year.
In ibiza?
Yes. he was staying there with his wife
And mr. and mrs. genet.
Oh, I did get on well with madam s.
We were like that.
What was jean-paul like?
Well, you know, a bit moody.
Yes. yes.
He didn't join in the fun much.
Just sat there thinking.
Still, mr. rotter caught him a few times
With a whoopee cushion.
Le captitalisme et la bourgeoisie
Ils sont la meme chose...
Oh, we did laugh.
Oh, dear.
Well, we'll give him a tinkle then.
Yes, all right.
She said they were in the book.
Where's the paris telephone directory?
It's on the dryer.
No, no. that's budapest.
Oh, here we are.
Sartre, sartre...
It's 621036.
Oh, thank you, mrs. farley.
Hello? paris 621036, please.
And make it snappy, buster.
Bthe girl from ipanema goes walking
Tall and young and tan...
Hello. hello, mrs. sartre.
It's beulagh premise here.
Oh, pardon.
C'est beulagh premise ici.
Oui, oui, dans ibiza.
Oui. we met...
Nous nous recontrons au hotel miramar.
Oui, a la barbeque, c'est vrai.
Est-ce que jean est chez vouz?
Oh, merde.
When will he be free?
Oh, pardon.
Quand sera t'il libre?
She says he's spent the last 60 years
Trying to work that one out.
Oh, trez amusant, madame s.
Oui, absolument.
A bientot.
Well, he's out distributing pamphlets to the masses
But he'll be in at 6:00.
Oh, well, I'll ring b.e.a. then.
Oh, look! paris!
That's not paris.
Jean-paul wouldn't
Live here.
It's a right old dump.
But this is where they were wrong.
For this was no old dump, but a town with a future
An urban eldorado where the businessman of today can enjoy
The facilities of tomorrow in the comfort of yesterday.
Provided by a go-getting, go-ahead council
Who know just how loud money can talk.
Interest rates...
Well, it's none of my business
But we had the same trouble
With one of our icelandic sagas.
These people are terribly keen
But they do rather tend to take over.
I think I'd stick to caribbean islands if I were you.
Fine.
And now, back to the saga.
Here-- this is not paris.
This is iceland.
Oh... well.
Paris must be over there then.
Oh.
The girl from ipanema goes walking...
Ooh, here we are.
Number 25.
Oh, yes. flat one
Yves montand, flat three, jacques cousteau
Flat four, jean genet and friend...
Ooh, yes.
Flat five, maurice laroux.
Who's he?
Never heard of him.
Flat six, marcel marceau
Walking against the wind, limited.
Flat seven, indira gandhi.
She gets about a bit, doesn't she?
Yes. yes.
Flat eight, jean-paul and betty-muriel sartre.
Oui?
C'est nous, betty-muriel.
Excusez que nous sommes en retard.
Entrez.
Oui, merci.
...mais je suis forte...
Oh, rubbish.
Bonjour.
Parlez vouz anglais?
Oh, yes. good day.
Hello, love.
How are you?
This is mrs. conclusion from number 46.
Oh, nice to meet you, dear.
Hello.
How's the old man been?
Oh, don't ask.
He's in one of his bleeding moods.
The bourgeoisie this, it's the bourgeoisie that.
He's like a little child sometimes.
I was only telling the raniers the other day--
Of course, he's always rude to them
Only classy friends we got--
I was saying, "solidarity with the masses"
I said, "pie in the sky."
Ooh, you're not a marxist, are you, mrs. conclusion?
No, I'm a revisionist.
Oh, good.
I mean, look at this place!
I'm at my wits' end--
Revolutionary leaflets everywhere.
One of these days, I'll revolutionary leaflets him.
If it wasn't for the goat
You couldn't get in here for propaganda.
Well, very well.
Can we, uh, pop in
And have a word with him?
Yes, come along.
Thank you.
But be careful. he's had a few.
Oh.
Mind you, he's good as gold in the morning--
I've got to hand it to him--
But come lunchtime, it's a bottle of vin ordinaire.
Six glasses and he's ready to agitate.
Uh, coo-ee!
Jean-paul?
Ah, it's only us.
Oh, pardon, c'est meme nous.
Oui.
Jean-paul, your famous trilogy, rues a liberte
Is it an allegory of man's search for commitment?
Oui.
Told you so.
Oh, coitus.
Today, we look at a vanishing race
A problem people who are fast disappearing
Off the face of the earth...
A race who one might say are losing a winning battle.
They live in a sunshine paradise
A caribbean dream where only reality is missing...
For this is whicker island...
An island inhabited entirely by ex-international interviewers
In pursuit of the impossible dream.
The whole problem of whicker island
Is here in a nutshell.
There are just too many whickers.
The light-weight suits...
The old school ties...
The practiced voice of the seasoned campaigner...
Cannot hide the basic tragedy here.
There just aren't enough rich people left
To interview.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
And so you find them...
Sitting beside elegant swimming pools...
Sipping martinis...
And waiting for the inevitable interview.
I talked to the island's only white man, father pierre.
Father pierre, why did you stay on
In this colonial campari-land
Where the clink of glasses mingles
With the murmur of a million mosquitoes
Where waterfalls of whisky wash away the worries
Of a world-weary whicker
Where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee
Of something beginning with "j"?
Father pierre, why did you stay on here?
Well...
Mainly for the interviews.
Well, there you have it.
A crumbling...
Empire in the sun-drenched...
Caribbean, where the cliches sparkle on the waters...
Like the music of repeat fees...
And so...
From whicker island...
It's...
Fare...
Well, and...
Bon...
Voy...
Age.
Who, a year ago, had heard of mr. and mrs. brian norris
Of 37 gledhill gardens, parsons green?
And yet, their epic journey in ebw 343 has set them
Alongside thor heyerdahl and sir edmund hillary.
Starting only with a theory, mr. norris set out to prove
That the inhabitants of hounslow
Could have been descendants of the people of surbiton
Who had made the great trek north.
No newcomer to this field
Mr. norris' a short history of motor traffic
Between purley and esher
Had become a minor classic in the car-swapping belt.
But why would the people of surbiton go to hounslow?
Mr. norris had noticed three things:
Firstly, the similarity of houses;
Secondly, the similarity of costume
Between hounslow and surbiton;
And thirdly, the similarity of speech.
Are you still running the g.d.b.d.m.d.b.?
Ah, yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled
To remove tamping.
Jolly good.
Were these just coincidences
Or were they, as mr. norris believed
Part of an identical cultural background?
One further discovery convinced him:
The lawnmower.
Surely such a sophisticated household gadget
Could not have been generated independently
In two separate areas.
Mr. norris was convinced.
I'm convinced.
But how to prove it?
There was only one way to see if the journey
Between surbiton and hounslow was possible
And that was to try and make it.
Months of preparation followed
While mr. norris continued his research
In the putney public library
And mrs. norris made sandwiches.
Finally, by april
They were ready.
On the 23rd, mr. and mrs. norris set out
From abide-a-wee to motor the 15 miles to surbiton
Watched by a crowd of local well-wishers.
That evening, they dined at tooting.
This would be the last they'd see of civilization.
Mr. norris' diary for the 23rd reveals
The extraordinary calmness
And deep inner peacefulness of his mind.
7:30-- fed cat.
8:00-- breakfast.
8:30-- yes, (successfully).
9:00-- set out on historic journey.
On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic
Mr. norris' historic expedition set out from surbiton--
Destination hounslow.
Early on, they began to perceive encouraging signs.
The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same
As the writing in the a.a. book.
They were on the right route.
During the long hours of the voyage
Mr. norris' wife betty
Kept a complete photographic record
And made sandwiches.
This is some of the unique footage
Which mrs. norris got back from the chemist's.
Mile succeeded mile
And the terrific strain was beginning to tell
When suddenly...
By an amazing stroke of luck
Mr. norris had come across the kingston bypass.
This was something to tell the round table.
At this stage, mr. norris was faced
With two major divergent theories
Concerning his surbiton ancestors
Did they take the kingston bypass
Turning left at barnes
Or did they strike west
Up the a308 via norbiton to hampton wick?
Both these theories run up against one big obstacle:
The thames--
Lying like a silver turd between richmond and isleworth.
This was a major setback.
How could they possibly cross the river?
Several hours of thought produced nothing.
There was only one flask of coffee left
When suddenly mr. norris spotted something.
Could this have been the method used?
Hardly daring to believe
Mr. norris led his expedition on to the 3:47.
40 minutes later, via clapham
Fulham, chiswick and brentford, they approached their goal:
Hounslow.
Was this then the final proof?
Something aroused the accountant's instinct
Very deep in mr. norris' makeup.
The journey was possible, and yet...
"wrong-way" norris had accidentally stumbled on
A piece of anthropological history.
It was the inhabitants of hounslow
Who had made the great trek south
To the sunnier pastures of surbiton
And not vice versa, as he had originally surmised.
This was the secret of surbiton.
Happy and contented, mr. norris returned
To the calmer waters of chartered accountancy
For, in his way, "wrong-way" norris was right.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Knock, enter and approach.
Right.
It's come to my notice that certain boys
Have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme
With fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities.
Apparently, small investors were attracted
By the wide-ranging portfolio
And that in the first week
The limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
It was tidwell's idea, sir.
Shut up, stebbins. I haven't finished.
Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning
The italian grand prix at monza.
Thank you, sir.
Shut up.
Now then, this sort
Of extracurricular capitalist expansion
Has got to stop.
I made it quite clear
When potter tried to go public last term
That these massive stock exchange deals
Must not happen in big school.
Is that clear, balderston?
Yes, sir.
Oh, and balderston, next time you do
A "panorama" report on the black ghettos
You must get an exeat form from mr. dibley.
Sorry, sir.
Shut up, and stop slouching.
Now, the reason I've called you in here today
Is that my wife is having a little trouble with her, uh...
With her waterworks, and, uh...
I think she needs a bit of attention.
Now, which one of you is the surgeon?
Come on, I know one of you is.
Now, which one is it?
Ah, tidwell.
Good. well, I want you to cut along
Have a look at the wife.
Oh, sir, why don't you ask stebbins? he's a gynecologist.
Oh, you rotten stinker, tidwell!
Shh. is this true, stebbins?
Are you a gynecologist?
Yes, sir.
Right. just the man. how much do you charge?
30 guineas, sir.
Excellent. right. I want you
To go along to see the wife.
Give her a full examination.
Let me know the results by the end of break.
And don't pick your nose!
Hello.
Well, last week we showed you
How to become a gynecologist
And this week on how to do it
We're going to show you how to play the flute
How to split an atom
How to construct a box girder bridge
How to irrigate the sahara desert
And make vast new areas of land cultivatable.
But, first, here's jackie to tell you all
How to rid the world of all known diseases.
Hello, alan.
Hello, jackie.
Well, first of all, become a doctor
And discover a marvelous cure for something
And then when the medical profession
Really starts to take notice of you
You can jolly well tell them what to do
And make sure they get everything right
So there'll never be any diseases ever again.
Thanks, jackie.
Great idea.
How to play the flute.
Well, here we are.
Um, you blow there
And you move your fingers up and down here.
Great... great, alan.
Well, next week we'll be showing you
How black and white people can live together
In peace and harmony
And alan will be over in moscow
Showing us how to reconcile the russians and the chinese.
So, until next week, cheerio.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy
Just like his father.
Oh, do you think so, mrs. nigger-baiter?
Oh, yes.
Spitting image.
Mmm!
Afternoon, mother.
Afternoon, mrs. nigger-baiter.
Ooh, he's walking already.
Yes, he's such a clever little boy.
Coochy-coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coochy!
Hello!
Look at him
Laughing!
He's a chirpy little fellow, isn't he?
Isn't he a chirpy little fellow, eh?
Does he talk?
Does he talk, eh?
Of course I can talk.
I'm minister for overseas development.
Ooh, he's a clever little boy!
He's a clever little boy!
Do you like your rattle, eh?
Do you like your rattle?
Look at his eyes following it, eh.
Look at his iggy-piggy-piggy little eyeballs.
Ooh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
Ooh, he's got a tubby tum-tum!
Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea, please?
I have an important statement on rhodesia
To make in the commons at 6:00.
Oh, mrs. nigger-baiter's exploded!
Good thing, too.
She was my best friend.
Oh, mother, don't be so sentimental.
Things explode every day.
Yes, I suppose so.
Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.
Ooh.
Hello. I'm your new vicar.
Can I interest you in any encyclopedias?
Oh, no. thank you.
We're not church people. thank you.
How about brushes? nylon or bristle?
Strong-tufted, attractive colors.
No. really, thank you, vicar.
Oh, dear. turkey? cup final tickets?
No, no. really, we're just not religious.
Thank you.
Oh, well. bye-bye.
Bye-bye, vicar.
Remember, if you do want anything:
Jewelry, ascot, water heaters...
Thank you, vicar.
It's funny, isn't it, how...
How your best friend can just blow up like that?
You wouldn't think it was medically possible, would you?
This is where mrs. shazam was so wrong.
Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.
In many fields of medicine nowadays
A dose of dynamite can do a world of good.
For instance, athlete's foot-- an irritating condition--
Can be cured by applying a small charge of tnt
Between each toe...
Excuse me.
Hello. I'm your new vicar.
Can I interest you
In any of these watches, pens or biros?
No. I'm not religious, I'm afraid.
Oh. souvenirs, badges
Little noddy dog for the back of the car?
No. thank you, vicar.
Good morning.
Now, many of the medical profession
Are skeptical about my work.
They point to my record
Of treatment of athlete's foot sufferers:
84 dead, 65 severely wounded and 12 missing, believed cured.
But then, people laughed at bob hope.
They laughed at my wife
When she wrapped herself up in grease-proof paper
And hopped into the social security office.
But that doesn't mean that pasteur was wrong.
Look, I'll show you what I mean.
Watch it, mate.
I'm not going to stand around here
Getting poked and prodded all day.
I'm off.
I've got a decent body.
All I get is poked and prodded in the chest.
Well, I'm off. I'm going to get another line of work.
Watch it!
Don't go any further!
Turn back!
Stop! stop! please! oh, stop!
Oh, my god!
He's fallen off the edge of the cartoon!
Well, so much for that link.
John cobbley is the musical and artistic director
Of covent garden.
He is himself a talented musician
He's a world-famous authority on 19th century russian music
And he's come into the studio tonight
To talk about tschaikowsky...
Which is a bit of a pity
As this is farming club.
And on farming club tonight
We'll be taking a look
At the ministry's latest preventative proposals
To deal with possible outbreaks of foot-and-mouth.
We'll be talking later on
To the man who believes that milk yields
Can be increased dramatically
But first, a farming club special:
"the life of tschaikowsky."
Tschaikowsky-- was he the tortured soul
Who poured out his immortal longings
Into dignified passages of stately music
Or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?
Tonight, on farming club
We're going to take an intimate look at tschaikowsky
And an intimate look at his friends.
Incidentally, bbc publications
Have prepared a special pamphlet
To go with this program called hello, pianist
And it contains material
Which some people might find offensive
But which is really smashing.
Peter ilytch tschaikowsky was born in 1840
In a ken russell film just outside st. petersburg.
His father leo mckern-- a freelance bishop--
Was married to vera plachenka-- julie christie--
But secretly deeply in love with margo farenka--
Shirley abicair--
And the strangely flatulent madame ranevsky--
Norris mcwhirter.
Soon, however, the family--
Eldridge cleaver, moira lister and stan the bat--
Moved to the neighboring industrial village of omsk--
Eddie waring--
Where they soon found themselves, sadly
Quite unable to cope-- anthony barber.
In 1863, however, tschaikowsky
Was sent to moscow to study the piano
And when he'd finished that
The living room.
Maurice takes up the story.
Well, guess what?
The very next thing he did
Was to go to this extraordinary, but extraordinary duckety-poos
Semi-mondrian house in robin, russia.
Harry here tammy tschaikowsky
Wrote some of the most sammy super symphonies
You've ever henry heard in the whole of your lily life.
She was such a good composer
That everybody, but everybody, wanted to know
And quite right, too
'cause she wrote some lovely bits
Such as "sally sleeping beauty," "patsy pathetique"
"adrian 1812," and lots of connie concerti
For vera violin and peter piano fanny forte.
But what do we really know of this tortured ponce?
Well, if you can imagine the size of nelson's column
Which is roughly three times the size of a london bus
Then tschaikowsky was much smaller.
His head was about the same size
As that of an extremely large dog--
That is to say, two very small dogs
Or four very large hamsters, or one medium-sized rabbit
If you count the whole of the body
And not just the head.
Uh, robin?
Uh, thank you.
Well, here's a three-stage model of tschaikowsky.
Here you see the legs, used for walking around
And which can be jettisoned at night
And, um, this is the main trunk--
The powerhouse of the whole thing--
Incorporating, of course, the naughty bits
Which were extremely naughty for his time
And the whole thing is subservient
To this small command module:
The, as it were, head of the whole, as it were, body.
Robin?
Peter?
Simon.
Maurice.
Me.
Well...
Poor pet, she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir.
Eventually, she dickie died of colin cholera
In st. patsy petersburg, in gertie great percy pain.
Here to play tschaikowsky's
First piano concerto in b-flat minor
Is the world-famous soloist sviatoslav richter.
During the performance
He will escape from a sack, three padlocks
And a pair of handcuffs.
Good evening.
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See? kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment
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Was ist das?!
Achtung! achtung!
Halt! halt!
Halt!
Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.
Now, the next item on the program is...
I can't stand it, man. really not.
I've had it with this idiot
Every night making me say the most inane...
Really terrific act.
Now, the next item on...
I'm off. gone.
I can express myself...
If he feels the same way I feel, man...
Welcome aboard, britisher pig.
Quite a little surprise, ja?
But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us all you know
About certain allied shipping routes, ja?
Come on, talk!
Hello, fritz.
The tables seem to have turned, old chap.
Let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh?
Come on, fritz, now tell us-- tell us about...
Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog.
Very sorry, but must inform you
That you are now prisoner of people's republic.
I'm very sorry, comrade commando
But I have just picked up
A capitalist ship on radar scanner.
This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
I repeat that: women and children first.
Do not rush for the lifeboats
And remember: women and children first.
And indians.
Why did you have to get dressed up like that?
It was the only thing left.
Women, children and red indians.
And spacemen.
Here is a revised list :
Women, children, red indians and spacemen.
What's that meant to be?
Well, it's a sort of impression
Of what a kind of renaissance courtier artist
Might have looked like at the courts
Of one of the great families
Like the medicis or the borgias.
No, it's not.
It's more flemish than italian.
Yes. that's a flemish merchant
Of the 15th or 16th centuries.
What? with these tassels?
Yes, yes.
They had those fitted doublets going...
Tapering down into the full hose, you know.
Exactly like that.
One moment, please. don't panic.
Now, what's it meant to be?
I've got to tell them something.
Is it a flemish merchant?
No, it is not a flemish merchant.
It's more a sort of idealized version
Of the complete renaissance man.
Oh, all right. no, it's not.
All right, all right, all right.
This is your captain speaking.
Do not rush for the lifeboats.
Women, children, red indians
spacemen and sort of idealized versions
of the complete renaissance man first.
Flemish merchants did not wear
Hand-embroidered chevrons!
They did not!
Yes, gomez?
"we found them walking on the beach, my captain."
Gomez, why can't you say this?
What? oh, I see.
We can't afford it. ah!
You see, the bbc has to pay an actor 20 guineas if he speaks
And it makes a bit of a hole in the budget.
28 guineas, sir. oh, sorry!
You fool, gomez!
That's 28 guineas.
What about me, sir?
Are you supposed to speak? no, sir.
Well, you've just spoken! oh, sorry, sir.
You fool, that's 56 guineas before we've even started!
Yes?
What did he do that for?
It's a stunt, sir-- an extra 20 guineas.
Look, we can't afford it!
The bbc is short of money as it is.
The bbc wishes to deny rumors
That it is going into liquidation.
Mrs. kelly, who owns the flat where they live
Has said that they can stay on till the end of the month...
And we've just heard that huw weldon's watch
Has been accepted by the london electricity board
And transmissions for this evening
Can be continued as planned.
Well, that's all from me, so... good night.
Are you going to be in there all night?
It's just a bulletin, mr. kelly.
And now, back to the story.
Commence!
All right!
We found these men walking on the beach, my capitan.
We're british naval officers
And entitled to be...
It's puss!
Hello, puss.
Hello, children.
Stop! stop this adaptation of puss-in-boots!
This is the police department of the state of venezuela.
Oh, no, it isn't.
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Shut up! shut up!
Now, I'm going to ask you some questions
And remember, if you do not give me correct answers
We have ways of making you answer.
Like not paying 28 guineas.
Shut up!
Now, what ship are you from?
We are from the ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out from port of spain and I...
I got 30 bob for the trousers!
We are from the ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out from port of spain
And one night, I was doing my usual rounds
When I had occasion
To pass the forward storage lockers...
Go on.
Oh, um...
Well, i-i noticed something unusual.
The main bilge hatches had been opened
And there, crouching amidst the scuppers
Was the most ghastly creature
I've ever seen in my life.
As soon as it saw me
Its horrible face split aside
In a ghastly look of terror.
Its head, which was like...
Could you sign this, please?
A small, a small rat.
It was ghastly and horrible and befurred.
Its little red eyes glinted
In the unaccustomed glare of the midday sun
And before I could shut the hatch
It sprang upon me with one almighty...
What this about doing
Horse of the year show in here tonight?
I'm sorry, mrs. kelly.
We don't know, I'm afraid.
This is drama.
Mr. fox told me before he went down to the pub
That they're doing horse of the year show
In here tonight at 9:10.
This is bbc two.
I think bbc one are in the kitchen.
Well, I'm not having harvey smith
Jumping over my binette.
No. come on!
...tearing at my throat, ripping my clothes...
And turn the gas off before you leave!
All right!
I fought it with all my strength
But it was too much for me.
Its supernatural powers...
Another clear round
for harvey smith on o'malley.
And now it's mrs. david barker riding atalanta, number three.
Right! that's it.
Come on, out, out, all of you!
Get out of my kitchen! come on!
Harvey smith...
Get out of there!
It's one of our most popular programs.
That's what you think, mr. fox.
Well, that's all from bbc television for this evening.
Come on! get out! out!
Get out of my house!
Out! out!
Get out!
Tonight, from london
Your special guests are
Lulu...
Ringo starr...
And the man you've all been waiting for--
Your host for tonight...
Love the outfit, dear.
It's gorgeous.
Hello. good evening. welcome.
It's...
Good evening, and welcome to the money programme.
Tonight on the money programme, we're going to look at money--
Lots of it, on film and in the studio
Some of it in nice piles
Others in lovely clanky bits of loose change
Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds
Delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets
Nice, crisp, clean checks
Pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets
Romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh
With rough familiarity
Beautiful wayward curlicued bank notes
Filigree copper-plating cheek by jowl
With tumbling hexagonal-milled edges
Rubbing gently against the terse leather
Of beautifully balanced bank books!
I'm sorry.
But I love money...
All money.
I've always wanted money to handle, to touch
The smell of the rain-washed florin
The lure of the lira
The glitter and the glory of the guinea
The romance of the ruble, the feel of the franc
The heel of the deutsche mark
The cold antiseptic sting of the swiss franc
And the sunburned splendor of the australian dollar.
I've got funt90,000 in my pajamas
I've got 40,000 french francs in my fridge
I've got lots and lots of lira
Now the deutsche mark's getting dearer
And my dollar bills would buy the brooklyn bridge
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash
Some people say it's folly, but I'd rather have the lolly
With money you can make a smash
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money, money, money, money, money
There is nothing like a newly minted pound money, money, money, money
Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker
It's accountancy that makes the world go round, round, round, round
You can keep your marxist ways
For it's only just a phase
It's money, money, money makes the world go round
Money, money, money, money
Money, money, money, money, money!
Now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I bling a dispatch flom prymouth.
"flom prymouth"?
Flom sil flancis dlake.
Entel and apploach the thlone.
What news flom prymouth?
Dlake has sighted the spanish freet, youl majesty.
So! phirip's garreons ale hele.
How many?
One hundled and thilty-six men of wal
Broody herr.
Is dlake plepaled?
He has oldeled the whore freet into the blitish channer.
So, we must to tirbuly.
Reicestel!
Sil wartel lareigh!
Groucester! we sharr lide to...
Groucestel! groucestel!
Not "groucester!"
Come on. ret's get one light.
Reicestel!
That was telliber.
What?
Telliber.
When you have the rine
Ling your berr.
Ling my berr?
Ling, ling. rike this.
And cut the broody herr.
Erizabeth!
Yes?
You should be on a bicycer.
Why?!
You rook odd rike that.
I do not look odd like this.
It's that lot that looks odd.
It's bleeding weird having half the tudor nobility
Ligging around on motorized bicycles!
It's vely sullearist.
Horse feathers!
Listen, mate, I'm beginning
To have my doubts about you.
What you mean?
I'm telling you straight, mate.
I don't think you're luchino visconti at all.
Oh, of coulse, I am.
Me vely impoltant itarian firm dilectol.
You are a nip.
Lubbish!
Me genuine wop!
Alliveldelchi loma
He's bluffing.
Vo-rale, oh-oh-oh-oh...
Oh, is that the time?
I must fry.
Not so fast, yakomoto.
Shut up!
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am inspector leopard of scotland yard
Special fraud film director squad.
Leopard of the yard?!
The same, only more violent.
Right, slit-eyes yakomoto, I'm arresting you
For the impersonation of signor luchino visconti
Famous italian director of such movie classics
As obsessione, 1942
La terra trema, 1948
And bellissima, 1951--
A satisfyingly ironic slice-of-life drama.
1957 brought to the silver screen
His I bianche notte, adapted by dostoyevsky
A mannered and romantic melancholy of snow and mists
And moonlit encounters on canal bridges.
Boccaccio 70 followed five years later
And the following year saw...
The leopard!
So impressed was i
With this motion picture treatment of the risorgimento
That I went along to somerset house
And changed me own name to "leopard"
Preferring it to me original handle, "panther."
I digress.
1969 saw the damned, a gotterdammerung epic
Of political and industrial shenanigans
In good old nazi germany
Starring helmut berger as a stinking transvestite
What should have his face sawn off
The curvaceous charlotte rampling as a bit of tail
And the impeccable dirk bogarde as von essen.
The association of the latter with signor visconti
Fructified with dirk's magnificent portrayal
Of the elderly pouf what expires in venice.
And so, yakomoto...
Blimey! he gone!
Never mind.
I'll have you instead.
I haven't time to go chasing after him.
There's violence to be done.
Oh, yes.
All right, buster.
Hands up!
I would like to ask the team
what they would do if they were hitler.
Gerald?
Well, I'd, uh... annex the sudetenland
and sign a nonaggression pact with russia.
Norman?
Well, I'd do the reichstag bathroom in purples and golds
and ban abortion on demand.
Liberal rubbish!
Klaus, what you want with your jugged fish?
Halibut.
The jugged fish is halibut.
Well, what fish you got that isn't jugged then?
Rabbit.
What? rabbit fish?
Yes. it's got fins.
Is it dead?
Well, it was coughing up blood last night.
All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
Well, that was really horrible.
Oh, you're always complaining.
What's for afters?
Well, there's rat cake, rat sorbet
Rat pudding or strawberry tart.
Strawberry tart?!
Well, it's got some rat in it.
How much?
Three.
It's rather a lot, really.
Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Appalling.
Moan, moan, moan.
Hello, mum. hello, dad.
Hello, son.
There's a dead bishop on the landing.
Where did that come from?
What do you mean?
What's its diocese?
Well, it looked a bit bath and wellsish to me.
I'll go and have a look.
I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.
Well, it's not me.
I put three out by the bin
And the dustmen won't touch 'em.
Leicester. how'd you know?
Tattooed on the back of his neck.
I'm going to call the police.
Shouldn't you call the church?
Call the church police.
All right. the church police!
Yes?
There's another... there's a dead bishop...
Suffragan?
There's another dead bishop on the landing.
Suffragan or diocesan?
How should I know?
Its tattooed on the back of their necks.
Ere!
Is that rat tart?
Yes.
Disgusting.
Right!
The hunt is on.
Oh, lord, we beseech thee...
Tell us who croaked leicester.
All right, it's a fair cop
But society is to blame.
Agreed.
I would like the three by the bin
To be taken into consideration.
Right. and now, I'd like to conclude this arrest
With a hymn.
And did those feet
In ancient times
Walk upon england's mountains green
And was the holy lamb of god
On england's pleasant pastures seen...
Oh, shut up!
Thank you.
What?
Ere. oh, ooh.
Ow! oh. ah, oh...
Oh!
Oh, oh, whoa! oh.
Oh! whoa!
Oh. oh-oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! ooh! oh!
Whee-hee-hee! whoa!
Yahoo!
Yay!
Whee!
Meanwhile, in the jungle next door...
What a simply super little place.
Yes. they've done wonders with it.
You know, this used to be one
Of the most swampy, disease-infested areas of the whole jungle
And they've turned it into this smashing little restaurant.
Here you are, omkami. thank you.
Well, hello, mr. akwekwe.
Hello there, mr. spare-buttons- supplied-with-the-shirt.
Nice to see you again.
These are some of my fellow explorers.
Sir charles farquarson, brian bailey, betty bailey
And this is mr. akwekwe who started the whole place.
It really is super.
Oh, terrific idea.
Thank you all.
May I recommend the alligator purees?
Now then, have you decided?
Uh, yes. well, there's two avocado vinaigrette here
And what are you going to have, brian?
Uh, quiche lorraine for me, please.
Right. so that's two avocado, one quiche.
So, that's two avocado, one quiche.
And a soup of the day.
Right.
And to follow?
Uh, two chicken a la reine, please.
Uh, with sauce provencal, please.
And one scampi desiree.
And a boeuf bourguignon with a green salad.
Right on.
Two chicken, one scampi
One boeuf with the green salad.
There may be...
A little delay.
That's fine, but we have to be out by 3:00.
Yes, sir. yes. we'll try.
We'll try.
The bbc would like to announce
That the next scene is not considered suitable
For family viewing.
It contains scenes of violence
Involving people's heads and arms getting chopped off
Their ears nailed to trees
And their toenails pulled out in slow motion.
There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts.
And also at one point, you can see a pair of buttocks
And there's another bit where I swear you can see everything
But my friend says it's just the way he's holding the spear.
Because of the unsuitability of the scene
The bbc will be replacing it
With a scene from a repeat of gardening club for 1958.
And now, back to the story.
That was a nasty business back at the restaurant.
Yes. I thought most places took barclaycard nowadays.
Where do you think they're taking us, brian?
God knows.
Look!
The sacred volcano andu!
Which no man has seen before.
No, no, no. next to that.
No, no, no, no. nextto that.
The forbidden plateau of roiurama.
The lost world.
Thrown up by mighty earth movements
Thousands of millions of years ago.
Where strange primeval creatures defying evolution
Lurk in the dark, impenetrable forests
Cut off forever from the outside world.
I still can't see it.
You don't think that's where they're taking us.
Yes. and god knows what we'll find there.
What page, please?
What?
What page in the script?
Page seven.
"come on, you dogs. we have far to go.
We must lose no time."
Come on, you dogs. we have far to go.
We must lose no time.
Come on, you...
Come on, you dogs.
We have time to lose.
This has gone too far.
Meanwhile, back in london
At the british explorers club in the mall...
Any news of betty bailey's expedition, hargreaves?
Uh...
Page... page nine.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... the lost world of roiurama.
That's... that's my line.
Oh. sorry.
Where were they going, sir?
The lost world of roiurama.
Yes, sir. we've got a telegram.
Oh.
"reads it."
"expedition superb, weather excellent.
Everything wonderful."
I wonder what's gone wrong.
For god's sake, be careful...
Wait a minute.
I'm going to go after them.
Oh! for god's sake, be careful.
My god, betty, we're done for.
We'll never get out of here.
We're completely lost. lost!
Even the natives have gone.
Good-bye, betty.
Good-bye, farquarson.
Good-bye, brian.
It's been a great expedition.
Great expedition.
All that'll be left of us is a map, a compass
And a few feet of film recording our last moments.
Wait a minute!
What is it?
If we're on film...
There must be someone filming us.
My god, betty!
You're right!
Look! hello!
Great to see you!
Super to see you.
Super!
How are you, mates?
Jolly good!
Wait a minute!
What is it again?
If this is the crew who were filming us...
Who's filming us now?
Look!
Cut there, man.
Cut there.
No... no good.
How we going to get that feeling
Of personal alienation of self from society
With this load of bulldog drummond crap?
When I was doing la notte with that monica vitti gal
She didn't give me
None of this empire-building shit, man.
Not so fast, akarumba.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm inspector baboon
Of scotland yard's special fraud film director's squad.
Jungle division.
Baboon of the yard!
Shut up!
Right, akarumba.
I'm arresting you for impersonating signor michelangelo antonioni
An italian film director
Who co-scripts all his own films
Largely jettisoning narrative in favor of vague incident
And relentless character study.
In his first film cronaca di un amore, 1915
The couple are brought together by a shared irrational guilt.
Le amiche followed in 1955
And 1959 saw the first of antonioni's world-famous trilogy
L'avventura, an acute study of boredom, restlessness
And the futilities and agonies of purposeless living.
In l'eclisse three years later
This analysis of the sentiments was taken up once again.
"we do not have to know each other to love," says the heroine
"and perhaps, we do not have to love."
The eclipse of the emotions finally casts its shadow
When darkness descends...
Signor antonioni first makes use of color to underline...
And now on bbc 1
Another six minutes of monty python's flying circus.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to have an argument, please.
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
No. this is my first time.
I see. do you want to have the full argument
Or were you thinking of taking a course?
Well, what would be the cost?
Well, yes, it's five...
It's one pound for a five-minute argument
But only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Mmm... well, I think it's probably best
If I start with the one
And see how it goes from there, okay?
Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
Uh... mr. du-bakey's free
But he's a little bit conciliatory.
Mmm.
Yes, uh, try mr. barnard-- room 12.
Thank you.
What do you want?!
Well, I was told outside...
Don't give me that
You snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
What?
Shut your festering gob, you tit!
Your type makes me puke!
You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
What?!
I came in here for an argument!
Oh! oh, I'm sorry.
This is abuse.
Oh. oh, I see.
That explains it.
No. you want 12a next door.
I see.
Sorry.
Not at all.
Yeah, that's all right.
Stupid git.
Come in.
Is this the right room for an argument?
I've told you once.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
When?
Just now.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. didn't.
Did. didn't.
I'm telling you I did.
You did not.
I'm sorry, is this
A five-minute argument
Or the full half hour?
Oh! oh. just the five-minute one.
Fine.
Thank you.
Anyway, I did.
You most certainly did not.
Now, let's get one thing quite clear.
I most definitely told you.
You did not. yes, I did.
Didn't. yes, I did.
Look, this isn't an argument.
Yes, it is. no, it isn't.
It's just contradiction. no, it isn't.
Yes, it is. it is not.
It is! you just contradicted me.
No, I didn't.
Oh, you did.
No, no, no, no.
You did just then.
No, no, nonsense.
Oh, well, this is futile.
No, it isn't.
I came here for a good argument.
No, you didn't. you came here for an argument.
Well, argue is not the same as contradiction.
It can be.
No, it can't.
An argument's a collected series of statements
To establish a definite proposition.
No, it isn't. yes, it is.
It isn't just contradiction.
Look, if i argue with you
I must take up a contrary position.
But it isn't just saying, "no, it isn't."
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Argument's an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying
Of anything the other person says.
No, it isn't. yes, it is.
Not at all. now, look...
Thank you.
Good morning.
What?
That's it.
Good morning.
But I was just getting interested.
Sorry. the five minutes is up.
That was never five minutes just now.
Afraid it was.
No, it wasn't.
Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
What?!
If you want me to go on arguing
You'll have to pay for another five minutes.
But that was never five minutes just now.
Oh, come on!
This is ridiculous.
I'm very sorry, but I told you
I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.
Oh, all right.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well?
Well what?
That was never five minutes just now.
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.
I just paid. no, you didn't.
I did. I did! I did!
Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
Aha! well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing?
Got you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
If you're arguing, I must've paid.
Not necessarily.
I could be arguing
In my spare time.
I've had enough of this.
No, you haven't. oh, shut up.
I want to complain.
You want to complain? look at these shoes.
I've only had them three weeks
And the heels are worn right through.
No, I want to complain about...
If you complain, nothing happens
You might just as well not bother
And my back hurts...
I want to com... ow!
No, no. hold your head
Like this and then go, "wah!"
Try it again. whoa!
Better, better, but, "wah! wah!"
Hold your hands here.
No. now...
No, that's it, that's it! good!
Stop hitting me! what?
Stop hitting me.
Stop hitting you? yes.
Well, uh, what did you come in here for?
I came here to complain.
Oh, I'm sorry. that's next door.
It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
What a stupid concept.
Right. hold it there.
What? what?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm inspector fox of the light entertainment police
Comedy division, special flying squad.
Flying fox of the yard?!
Shut up! oh!
No, no, no, no. "wah!"
And you!
He's good.
You could learn a thing or two from him.
Right, now you two, me old beauties, you are nicked.
What for?
I'm charging you under section 21 of the strange sketch act.
The what?
You are hereby charged
That you did willfully take part in a strange sketch.
That is a skit, spoof or humorous vignette
Of an unconventional nature
With intent to cause grievous mental confusion
To the great british public.
Evening, all.
It's a fair cop.
And you tosh!
Wah!
That's excellent!
Right, come on down to the yard.
Hold it, hold it.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm inspector thompson's gazelle
Of the programme planning police
Light entertainment division, special flying squad.
Flying thompson's gazellle of the yard?
Shut up!
Ahh!
He... he's good.
Shut up. wow!
Rotten.
Ahh!
Good.
Right. I'm arresting this entire show
On three counts:
One, acts of self- conscious behavior
Contrary to the "not in front of the children" act
Two, always saying, "it's so and so of the yard"
Every time the fuzz arrives
And three-- and this is the cruncher--
Offenses against the "getting out of sketches
Without using a proper punch line act."
Namely simply ending every bleeding sketch
By just having a policeman come in and...
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
It's a fair cop.
And now on bbc 1
One more minute of monty python's flying circus.